| dfa |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|01:22 pm] |
asfasfhaskjh
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| AFX.. holy shit... |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|11:40 pm] |
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Wow.. I'm listening to that new Afx, and it's fucking awesome. He's a motherfucking genious. It's nuts because I'd heard this new recording and it was so different than what I'm used that I didn't realize how cool it was. I'm really happy to have something to listen to. It's so different from Druqks, but it's awesome. I love it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|10:28 pm] |
a wiseman once said..
there are three types of relationships. One where you are constantly struggling to communicate, with moderate success. Those where you do not communicate at all, and spend much time trying to hide that fact, and those where you meet the perfect person, and communication is a natural proccess that unfolds before your eyes..
oh yeah, and the that third type doesn't really exist. |
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| god damn |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|09:57 pm] |
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what a shitty night. i feel so shitty. i can't even write about why for political reasons. i feel lonely and shitty. man. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|09:16 pm] |
well here i am.. "shouting into the void" again, as Matt would say.
I don't feel very good right now. I feel bored and a little pissed. I don't know what the fuck to do tonight. fuck fuck fuck. damn it all. god damn it! no more bars or video games or writers block. I wish I could sit back and realize just how free i really am, then i wouldn't be bound to these activities. i guess i'm really just bound by the stubborn unmoving pathways of my brain.
being human can be a bitch. |
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| what a waste.. |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|10:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed | ] |
today seems like it was totally fruitless.. sigh...
All my plans for the day fell through pretty much totally.. I've been so tired today.. had to drive out to germantown.. and after waiting til Matt got off work so that i could pick my stuff up from where he's been house sitting, I was so tired and sick of driving that i just said.. fuck it.. I'll go get it tomorrow, but I'll have to wait until matt get's off work at six again. so i didn't really have much to do tonight.. yeah.. i tried for about an hour.. maybe more, to fix my headphones, but i wasn't able to. It was really tedious and it pissed me the fuck off that I couldn't fix them. Bose makes the worst piece of shit headphones I've ever seen... even my mom, who would love to totally blame it on me for breaking them, said that they were designed stupidly. We both agreed that we could design better ones.. They don't even sound as good as I originally thought, the fostex ones I got for free sound better, but I gave them away, so now I don't have any headphones.. and since my speakers are at matt's I can't work on music on my computer, which is what I've been looking forwards to doing today since yesterday. I also have been looking forwards to playing guitar today, but I can't do that because when I was trying to fix my worthless headphones, a wart on my index finger on my left hand busted open, and now I have to wait for it to heal up. damn it.. God hates me, I know it.
i'm pissed. all there is to do here is play video games and I don't want to. And it seems like tomorrow when I wake up, it will just be more waiting. god damn it |
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| strange creature.. |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|05:19 pm] |
I was in my mother's room watching Oprah.. (I know I suck).. and
I noticed this strange little toy man thing.. for some reason I laughed
really hard about it. It's pretty funny looking to me. For some reason he/she doesn't have any facial features what so ever. It's just this stuffed humanoid, thing.
i like it.
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|02:06 am] |
wow.. i'm actually tired.. last night i thought i would never pass out, but i think i'm ready to go to bed now.. feels goood.. yawn.. i had a good day today. i'm dreaming about the money i'll get 2 weeks from now, and the computer parts i will buy with it. yippeee. yawn. i had a good time at huey's tonight. some good laughs. my room is a complete disaster, but hey, i think it is a pretty accurate manifestation of the inards of my brain. my computer looks a lot cooler now that i've torn it limb from limb.. works better too. still, i can't wait til build my new one.
i think that tommorrow i'm going to play guitar some. I've been feeling like i want to more.. and that's good. when i get my new comp, i'll finally have something powerful enough to combine my live shit with my electronic shit, and it won't crap out on me. . i'm very excited. yawn yawn yawn..
i'm going to sleeeeep. |
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| hal-lay-loo-ya.. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|12:33 pm] |
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jesus h tap dancin! i've succeeded! although i didn't go to sleep until about 6 this morning.. I was able to get my computer up and running. It was quite the bitch, but I did it. I'm happy. |
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| rescuing my comp.. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|03:07 am] |
so i've been working for the past three hours trying to salvage what's left of me computer. I've actually had some success.. I finally got it to boot up for the first time in .. .. 2 weeks? it was a total bitch, and it wasn't running very well at all. thank god i was able to get the information i need off of it. sooo now that i've done that, I'm going to format the fucking hard drive and start from scratch.. and that's what i'm doing right now. after that is through, i'm going to see what OS i can get running on it.. problem there is that i my floppy drive is fucked up, and i'm having trouble booting from a cd. but at least i'm making progress.. slowly but surely.
phew.. |
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| Greatest movie of all time award goes to.. |
[May. 31st, 2005|03:20 am] |
poor whit had to go home early tonight because she has to work at 7 tommorrow morning. jeez that sucks. . I ended up hanging out with her sister, hallie, friend aaron, and his sister sarah. I bought them some beer, and after that i wasn't feeling tired so i hung out a drank a couple with them. I also decided to smoke weed for the first time in a very long while. It was actually pretty fun. They're all pretty cool kids to hang out with.
The highlight of the evening was definitely when we caught a glimpse of one of the greatest movies i've ever seen. I think it would be considered a psychological thriller. After we got back inside from smoking, I sat down in front of the tv, and asked myself if I was looking at the image of Shaquelle O'neal. Sure enough, I was. In his very own movie entitled "super steel"..
It's a classic in which Shaq plays this quasi-super hero guy. It was really funny. Quite possibly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Shaq is the worst actor in existence. He had some funny lines line "now it's on", i think.. in the movie, these evil rich white dudes, had hooked up some not so evil, poor black kids with these really marvelously high tech weapons. Eventually Shaq gets this really tacky metal suit that makes him bullet proof and twice as clever (but as we all know, when you multiply nothing by two, it's still nothing) and starts doing good with it. Shaq is pretty good fun to watch lumber around trying to pull off the super hero act, especially when he's got a hord of terrible actors at his side to help him tell the tale.. so yeah i wish i could remember more details, but I'm kind of out of it at the moment. jesus it was funny..
yawn.. poor whit.. i feel bad for her having to be so sleep deprived. : / it sucks.. and i definitely know it does. |
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| when i grow up.. |
[May. 26th, 2005|01:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no thanks | ] |
hmmm.. gawd it's tough to figure out what the hell to do with your life. . and even your summer for that matter. I feel bored right now, but I also feel like I should be doing something that I've forgotten to do. I'm kind of tired. Lately I've been trying to decide what I should study in school. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time, although I know that I haven't and it's all been leading up to this moment, I just FEEL like I've been wasting time. I don't like that feeling. I guess I've felt that way for a long time. Feel like I'm behind and I have to come up with some plan to catch up. I feel like every one else my age is ahead of me. Arg.. I know all this stuff isn't true, it just echoes around in my head, and when I'm not paying attention it will get the best of me.
sigh..
soooooooo... i could study computers.. Don't know if I'd be able to practice music very much doing that. But I guess I don't really HAVE to do music to survive, but that's what i"ve been believing for a while. I guess I don't really have to have a career in music. I've made it this far without one. Maybe I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it,
but still... in general I'm stressed out about the same things I was a month ago, and a year ago, and two years ago, and so on. So maybe that means i'm doing something to make myself feel that way. I guess I need to learn something now. I'm trying to see what it is. I can sense its presence, but I can't really see it yet. I can't see what it is, so I'm trying to figure out what it is not. I'm seeing things that I think that aren't healthy, and I'm trying to replace them with healthy thoughts. sigh. . . . lord can I be impatient though.
I have made some progress. . I think that I'm living my life better.. I think so.
i'm tired.. god i'm tired. i like being this tired, because i know i'm going to sleep hard. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2005|11:26 am] |
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! |
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| ..... |
[May. 5th, 2005|01:33 am] |
had a pretty good day today. Although I had baeen dreading getting my teachers to sign the neccessary forms for me to drop out of school, they have actually been quite helpful and friendly about it. That's definitely been a weight off of my shoulders. I had fun messing around with the new version of FL I got. It's pretty freaking awesome. Yeah.. I'm very very very broke right now, and that sucks. I spent my last four dollars on gas earlier today. It was kind of sad. Oh well.. I'm getting tired now. yea.. yippeee.. .
uh hu.. this post seemed a little pointless. |
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| yippee.. |
[May. 4th, 2005|03:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
I've been strugling to get my piece of shit computer to run FL right, and after much effort I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I was just trying get an old version of FL to run, when some how I got this new one to work finally. I'm so happy. the new version has this new synth module that's really amazing. It's the best one I've ever seen. It's even better than the ones in Reason. I love it. yippppppeeeeeeeee... I've got fruity loops 5.0 now.. I'm so happy. Now all I need is a new computer. |
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| a good day (i think) ha ha hha.. at first i wrote.. a good gay |
[May. 2nd, 2005|10:48 pm] |
disclaimer: i am a little drunk..
sooo today i did some things i should've done a long time ago..
i finally mailed off my speeding ticket payment. i quit the job that i hate. and i emailed my teachers about withdrawing for this semester. i was very relieved tonight when i saw that they all responded except two of them. I'm relieved. They all seemed much more willing to cooperate than I had imaginied. Yet more evidence that I shouldn't be so afraid.
Me and Diana went out and got drunk tonight. That was also something I should've done a long time ago. It was fun. we drank margaritas at el porton for a while.. they were kind of gross, but they definitely did the trick, then we went up to the walnut grove lake and looked at the stars. We ended up swinging on the play sets they have there also. It was surprisingly fun. It was kind of weird because recently i dreamed of swinging on swings that were 5 stories high, and then i find myself on a swing for the first time in so long. anyway.. i had fun
i feel better, like i have a chance to make things work out...
god i'm tired.. |
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| dur.. |
[May. 2nd, 2005|02:04 am] |
Today all the stress I've been under kind of came crashing down on me. I fely quite upset about all the things I've let get out of control in my life. I thought about listing them here, but I realized that would just be tacky. You can trust me though, I think any normal person would have themselves committed if they let their life get as disheveled as i have. So anyway.. I feel stuck. I hate my job.. I really really hate it. I like my job at otherlands, but I hate my job at the Memphis Pizza Cafe. I want to find another job, but I don't know where to look, or what type of job to look for. I don't have a degree or anything. I don't have any particullarly useful skills. I think that if I could change one thing about my life right now, it would be that I didn't hvae that fucking job. I hate it. I have to go in tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I know my attitude is wrong. I know I don't have to hate the job. I feel confused so much of the time.
I've been told I need to set some short term goals. I guess that's true. What do I want that I could have in the relatively near future. I think I could get a new computer maybe. That would be awesome. I could get another job. I feel so confused about the whole school thing. That's a huge deal. There so much pressure to go to school. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell if I want to go to school for me, or for my family. I feel like everyone is expecting me to mess up. I remember when I told Kent I was going back to school, he said he didn't think I'd go through with it. My mom and dad and everybody else were always like "are you going to class" in this tone that's like "i know you're not going to class, so just go ahead and admit it." i don't know .. that kind of bothers me. I feel like no matter how I go about things some people that I am close to are going to be dissapointed in me. I don't know. I guess that's just a fact of life. I know I care what other people think about me to much. I'm really tired right nwo.
i need some stability.. i need to make some progress that isn't dashed to hell every few weeks. I'm sick of not going anywhere. I want to find out wher I want to go, and what i can do to get there.
at least i've been remembering my dreams lately.. that's been a strangely inspiring treat. it used to be a rarity when i would remember my dreams but lately, I remember every one to some degree or another. at least i can look forward to going to sleep and dreaming now. i'm very tired right nwo. i want to sleep. |
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| deep breath (1..2..3..4..5..6..etc until i'm unconscious) |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|12:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | badger | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | a ticking clock | ] |
so much tumbling through my brain lately. I'm very confused. I'm so confused that I don't even know what I'm confused about. I guess i do. I don't know where or why or how I'm going in life. Everybody else seems to be doing something. Everyone seems to be on some kind of path that I can look at and say "I can see the direction they are going in, whether it be good or bad." but I don't know where I'm going at all. I don't know. I'm not really struggling to find out, but it's just really difficult to figure out why I'm doing the things I'm doing right now. I go to work, I play music, I do this and that and something else, but I don't really feel like it's going towards anything. I feel like I'm in debt to the world. to everyone. I feel like I'm in a hole. I feel like I'm being poked with a stick and I'm twitching about. I feel like I could just start walking in any direction and it wouldn't matter which one i chose.
I feel so much pressure. I feel like I have to act NOW! Or else my family, my friends, my fellow citizens, my government, my heros, and my enemies, wll all be so dissappointed in me. But i just keep putting off action, because deep down inside I don't care what they think. I guess maybe I care just enough to where I can't stop thinking about it. I can't let it go quite yet. i wish i knew what this life had in store for me, just like everybody else. i wish i could just let it go. i'm confused. once again, I'll just put one foot in front of the other. however i'm still afraid that i'm walking in circles. |
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